I debated where to wear Toohey today: in my pocket (out of sight) or on my belt as I always do. Prior to this morning, I had been to my new office three times: twice for interviews and once to sign my offer letter.* All three times Toohey was tucked neatly in my pocket, no tubing was visible, I was a normal-looking person.

So I debated for several days and ultimately decided not to hide, to wear Toohey on my belt as always, to be myself. I decided though to not come out and say "Hey, I have diabetes" on my first day. I just wanted it to flow, to just happen naturally. I really thought I would have had some questions since Toohey was so visible.

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cruzbrasil

I lost it yesterday.

It was hot and sticky yesterday evening and we had been at a barbecue to welcome our new pastor into town. After having a great time, we headed home to unwind, get some laundry done, and basically get ready for the work week ahead.

When I walked into my house it felt like a sauna. It was terribly hot and stuffy. I turned on the air conditioner to cool things down a bit and gathered up my laundry to do. As I walked through the living room I realized the cool breeze I usually get hit with from the vent was nonexistent. I stuck my hand up in front of the vent and felt a very faint draft but that was it.

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Charlie clutched Baby Doggy, a small puppy with a thin blue collar, and pulled the comforter higher onto his shoulders as we tucked him in. Baby Doggy's age starting to show in its fading gray coat and crusty tail. He also squeezed a small stuffed turtle named Pop as Susanne removed his insulin pump from his waist and gave him a correction for a blood sugar of 530.

Diabetes has spawned many emotions from Charlie. It has made him angry many times, frustrated often and ferociously defiant. On rare occasions, it's even made him happy if you can believe that. Skipping long lines at Disney comes to mind. Oh, and you should see how he dances around the hospital gift shop after an endo appointment.

But, on this night, something new. He was scared of diabetes.

"What if it goes up to 700?"

"What if it goes up to 1100?"

"Does it go up that high?" (READ MORE)

I received a comment on my post from yesterday that really struck a chord with me. The reader commented that their parents had died from diabetes and that they would die from it too.

When I read that I got choked up because honestly, I feel the same way.

Sure I plan on fighting the fight and checking my blood as often as I am supposed to. Of course I will continue to work on my A1C and losing weight. I am not giving up on life at all. But, in the back of my mind I “know” that diabetes is going to win in the end.

Will it be heart disease, kidney failure, or a stroke? Maybe something else. Who knows?

The fact is that with all the steps I take to live healthy the odds are against me. Diabetes has the upper hand which makes me sad and angry at the same time.

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I woke up this morning with a 136 on the Freestyle. One of these days I will actual be within range when I wake up. Anyhow, I was not very upset about that.

After realizing I had overslept I ran into the shower and hurried like mad. This has been the scenario for the entire week. I wake up late and run like mad to get to work close to starting time.

This morning, I was 20 minutes late. As soon as I walk in the door my supervisor says, “The phones are not working, I don’t know what to do!”

I have become the “Tech Guy” in the office and anything that blinks, beeps, or has a plug seems to fall into my domain. I guess I am that much of a dork that they automatically assume I know all things electronical but that my friends is not the case.

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Earlier this week I posted about how diabetes can get in the way of life. There are many times when you want to put your disease on the back burner.

So often we have to stop what we are doing to check our blood or count carbs. We have to draw up syringes with the right amount of insulin. We have a lot to do and it can get in the way especially when we are in a hurry.

But have you ever had a moment when you realized your disease has seeped into the lives of others?

We went to dinner the other night. It was my wife, son, daughter, and her friend. We typically have someone over at our house hanging out playing on the Wii, watching movies, or even board games. Our home is a happening place.

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